The freakiest story you probably will ever read
by wonderfreak
Summary: The title doesn't lie. I hope you'll enjoy this story. I KNOW I DID!!! hot hot hot!!! mmmmm sexy! Please do not read if you like normal stories. THIS ISN'T. Chap. 2: Puberta's Plight. Just read it.
1. Default Chapter

"Once upon a time, there lived a furry man whose name was Harry. He was called Harry because he was hairy! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAAHHAAAAAAAAA! HA!!! THAT WAS A GOOD JOKE!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA!!! Oh god, I think I busted something. I laughed pretty darn hard there. Whoooo. okay, anyways.. I was on my way to the store, when a man comes up to me and says: "Sir, how would you feel about a sex change?" And I said: "Well, I dunno." And the next thing I know, I'm in Switzerland, getting' the 'chop'!"  
  
"Wow, Professor McGonagall that was a neat story. Now maybe could you teach us something?" Asked Neville Longbottom.  
  
"SHUT UP YOU STUPID, DISEASED, FROG LOVING TURD!" and Professor McGonagall hit him with a large stick.  
  
"So your name used to be Mike?" Hermione queried.  
  
"Yes, I was in a magical motorcycle gang in Ireland. We called ourselves, the Hocus Pokers. Yeah, we were HOT! I used to have one NICE BOD!!!" Professor McGonagall flexed a weak old-lady arm and gave out a long, low whistle. The audience, with the exception of Neville, who was out cold on the floor, was in awe of her awesome, old-lady MIGHT.  
  
Suddenly, a shadow blocked the doorway. A greasy man sauntered in strutting like an old west cowboy.  
  
"Yes, Professor Snape, what is it?" Snapped Old lady McGonagall.  
  
"I just wanted to borrow your door knob for a moment."  
  
"Well, whatever you wish, just make it snappy, I was just about to tell the children my stories about the KKK."  
  
The class was then in awe to see Professor Snape confess his undying love to the doorknob whose name was apparently snookers.  
  
"Oh, my sweet, sweet doorknob lover! I love you! I've always loved you! I need to have you as my own. MY ONE AND ONLY!!! I know you, Snookers; everybody can't keep their hands off you (especially if they want to open the door.. But that's beside the point!) I want you! Your round, curvy shininess is more than I can STAND!!! Please, be mine and live with me forever!!" He then proceeded to remove the hinges from the door and scurry away.  
  
After hearing this outburst, Professor McGonagall carried on telling the students wonderful mystifying stories about a transvestite named Petey the Wonder Boy, who worked for the circus and twisted himself into many interesting shapes.  
  
THE END  
  
No flames please! PLEASE???? I'll love you forever! 


	2. Puberta's Plight

Chapter seven: Puberta's plight.  
  
  
  
Meanwhile.  
  
in Satan's humble abode, there was a mass orgy consisting of earthworms and pet-shop rats. Satan was eating some suspicious-looking candy corn given to him by a rabid beaver. And a parakeet living in a cage of fire was screeching and writing disturbing poetry about a man named Moe, who owned a chain of seafood restaurants.  
  
(We are not aware why we included the above in our story, but we put it here anyway.)  
  
  
  
"And that's how Al Pacino beat me to the lead in the Godfather Trilogy. Damn him. I cannot watch that movie without thinking of his great aunt and those crazy shenanigans we always got into." Professor Minerva McGonagal chuckled to herself when she finished her story. "I never figured out how he got an entire live rabbit in there!"  
  
No one knew this, but in the back of the class there sat a girl. She was short with mousy brown hair that always seemed to hang limp about her face like a greasy 70's window shade made from noodles. She had crooked teeth and a lopsided smile. Her eyes were black, beady and unblinking that stared from behind her huge old lady, plastic glasses with a hungry thirst for something. We think it may be cheese. OR HUMAN SOULS! Her name was Puberta. She had been going to Hogwarts since the beginning of the series, but she was too mousy and too creepy to be mention by the esteemed author. So we must unveil the unspoken TRUTH!  
  
The only other person she talked to was her pet lamp (and sometimes lover), Ralphy. And I don't think that really counts as a person, do you? Pubie (as she would be called by her friends, if she had any other than the ones in her head.) kept a diary. This diary she addressed to Ralphy, her lamp. It was fuzzy and purple and she scribbled in it madly every spare second. If you could pry it from her cold dead fingers, this is was it read:  
  
Day one: Grew a sixth toe. It isn't very large, but I am working on it!!! Keep telling myself: 'I think I can, I THINK I can,' and it seems to be working. It's nearly a centimeter long today!  
  
Day two: I have a crush on Ron Weasley. HEE HEE HEEEE!!! His ginger hair makes me swoon!  
  
Day three: Does Ron like girls with more than ten toes???  
  
Day four: Ended up toe was just some strange magical fungus / maloma. Damn, I was starting to feel sexy too. Like a man.  
  
Day five: Wrote Ron an anonymous love letter today. Sent it to him by owl  
  
"OH RONNY! You are so bonny. Your red hair reminds me of this one time I set a house on fire. I want to lock you in a trunk and take you out whenever I need sexual favors. I will never let you go ever, ever, EVER!!!" I think it's rather good. Almost poetic even!  
  
Day six: Saw Ron receive my letter at the great hall this morning. I was so pleased! He seemed surprised when my frilly pink envelope landed in his lap. He must have been soooooo excited! But I am so confused! When he started to read the letter, his face fell. And he turned white and seemed to start hyperventilating and looking around the room in a frightened sort of way. Did he not like it? Or does he just look like that when he is aroused / in love?  
  
Day seven: proposed to Ron today. Actually it was the first time I'd ever spoken to him. I don't think he really knew who I was. And I don't think he understood what I was saying because I got up really close to his ear and shouted it really fast and loud. He seemed surprised and after jumping and yelling, I think he may have smiled at me. Or maybe it was a grimace of pain after his ears started bleeding. I am so good. I know he wants me!  
  
Day eight: I wore my best silky red lingerie set under my robes. I don't think he noticed. Then again, no one could see them. I should have cornered him and humped his leg again. It seemed to get his attention the first three times.  
  
Day nine: WHY????? I am so upset. My love seems to have gotten a restraining order against me. I am so perturbed. Just because I stole one of the school brooms to hover outside his bedroom window and stare at him all night long for three weeks does not mean I am a threatening person. And just because they found fourteen pairs of his missing underwear in my room DOES NOT MEAN I NECESSARILY STOLE THEM!!! The authorities seemed to think my LETTERS were threatening! I completely disagree. Here's a sample of my best ones:  
  
"My dearest Ronnie-pootie-wootie, sexy knickers, muscular man-bum, hot body- kins! I love you so much I could just EAT YOU UP! I would like to take pictures of you naked in the shower and send them out as Christmas cards!!! Whenever you're lying in your bed, smile towards the upper right corner of your room. Please? And if you shook your booty just a bit I would not mind. Neither would your fans on the internet!"  
  
"Oh my sweet Ronnie poodle pumpkin pie! I need your hot loving like a crustation needs fish carcasses. I bought some whipping cream today; meet me at the giant grandfather clock in the third corridor for a good time! You arouse me almost as much as it does!"  
  
I just knew he couldn't resist that one! But while I was waiting there, the wizard SWAT team jumped out and captured me with a net. It was SOOOOOOOO embarrassing! They said the letters I had written were obscene and just downright creepy. I thought they were sweet. ( I am so forlorn! Once I get out of Saint Mungos' Hospital mental ward, I will go out there and capture my sweet Bonny Ronny for my very own!  
  
  
  
Is it time for us to rescue you from the evil workings of Puberta's mind? Those of you who are left still reading anyways. 


End file.
